I will wake up at 6:50, splash scolding cold water at my face and slowly grasp what feeling alive feels like. Left leg goes in, right leg goes in, buckle up. Remove glasses, right hand, left hand, head, shirt on. Back to sharpness and focus. Focus. Take gentle steps not to wake the neighbors , the rooftops are locked up because of suicide attempts. Climb up the ladder and look down on the city. It’s brighter than I had imagined it to be. Funny how we still hang out with people that make up the forced friendships formed in school. The fog rises from the roads and these are the first people out in the streets starting their ridiculous days, walking around and taking some fog along with them, so it raises fully in other parts of the city. That means that my spit could be above some other part of town right now.
I got bored with people in general so I laid back and stared at the sky. It reminded me of a movie that was just starting. Fade in, opening credits, only I was no director but just an actor, a horrible one at that. I imagined the movie in my head, a boring tale about someones day, drifting around the city without any real purpose. The kinds of movies that are somewhat pleasing to watch, but leave you with nothing to hold on to. This was my life and not many people would watch it with me.
Now, I could hear the first bird choir assembling in the trees beneath the building, for a moment out of tune they aligned their beaks to play the soundtrack, but no one had listened or even cared. The sun swept along the morning and as the clouds got older, they went “Dammit, we can’t even hold it together until noon anymore.” and floated apart to let light fight with what remained of the fog. The battle was won and I spent the rest of the day on the roof observing what had changed below only to find this was all a permanent loop. There was always a certain feeling of excitement in the opening credits, and overwhelming sadness in the ending. Somehow I was always waiting for the next one, the next beginning of the day that might bring anything in the universe along with it. But it never did. Still with every morning next to you, the possibilities seem endless which makes this actor role somewhat bearable.
